October 18, 2004
Bill O’Reilly: “I’m a traditionalist”
Joseph Minton: ROTFLMAO
The truly bizarre thing about the O’Reilly sex scandal is that Bill seems to see himself as this total
sex god. That he bragged about his sexual exploits to one of his associate producers is wacked,
but that he also boasted to her friend after he’d just met her at dinner is plain loony … not to
mention that his rants are so friggin’ sexist. He claims he knows how to “train” women. Thank God,
finally someone to get those bitches ready for lovin’. Bill really is looking out for us.
Now whether or not you believe Miss Mackris was a willing participant in all this is totally irrelevant.
For me, the sexual harassment accusations are the least of it. Mind you, that will be what O’Reilly
focuses on because it’s the easiest to spin. If he can paint her as a participant, it will diffuse the
real scandal.
You see, Bill has spent the last several years telling the world how much of a “traditionalist” he is.
He strongly rejects all things secular and blames them for the moral decline of our society. He
sees values that are thrust upon us by the far left and liberal Hollywood as facilitating a culture war
in the country … a war that O’Reilly fights gallantly. In fact, this is the primary reason he tirelessly
opposes gay marriage. You see, “marriage is founded on Judeo-Christian principles.” Even Bill
O’Reilly’s marriage is founded on those principles. (The following should be read in a Robert
Evans voice.) Do those same Judeo-Christian principles include cheating on your pregnant wife?
Absolutely. Do they allow you to have explicit phone sex with your underlings? Of course. Do they
allow for Thailand sex shows? You bet your sweet ass they do.
You see, Bill is just one of “the folks.” He’s middle America. He’s mom and pop USA. He goes
after the bad guys for us. He’s the American Dream.*
*Note: The American Dream is growing up to be a rich and famous celebrity who gets to travel all
over the world and fuck whoever he wants while his wife sits home pregnant. (As in Jon Bon Jovi
and Bill O’Reilly. I apologize to Jon Bon Jovi for the comparison, but I couldn’t remember anyone’s
name from White Snake.)
But this is not the issue. We will have time to discuss all that later. There are more pressing
matters to address. To wit:
Bill O’Reilly totally SUCKS at phone sex! Moreover, he thinks he’s awesome at it. He thinks he’s
the frickin’ MacGyver of phone sex, making women who’ve never orgasmed gush with just a phone
call. But the truth as evidenced in the transcripts is that Bill’s technique is really horrible. The man
has absolutely no game. So I thought, since I absolutely know he reads this site (hi, Bill), that’d I’d
give him some pointers for future producer-harassing endeavors.
1. Don’t use unnecessarily complicated words. OK, Bill, at times during phone sex you use
complicated, almost technical terms like “intravenously” and “modus operandi.” Dude! The ladies
like French and Italian. But Latin? Not so much. Use action words. Paint a picture in her mind. Talk
about how you’re strong enough to pick her up and just bounce her up and down on your cock
while standing. Use construction words (i.e. nail, pound, hammer, drive, etc.). You gotta keep it hot.
Don’t tell her that you want to feed wine into her veins intravenously. That’s just fucking creepy,
man. It sounds like something a guy would do to a girl he trapped in his basement.
2. Avoid immature descriptions. This is key, Bill. You sound like a 13-year-old when you use
phrases like “rubbing your big boobs.” OK, first and foremost, don’t use the word “boobs.”
However, if you do, don’t say “big boobs.” You sound like Beavis and/or Butthead. If you
continue, she’s not going to breathlessly anticipate your next salvo, she’s just going to expect an
awkward “heh-heh, heh, booooooobs.” Say breasts if you have to, but the internationally accepted
phone-sex term is “tits.” Got it? It’s not up for debate.
3. Avoid misspoken or mispronounced words. Now a lot has been made about your falafel
comment and it was obviously a blunder, but come on. It’s a big blunder. No one is cummin’ after
that one … no one! Now Bill, everyone has that uncle who says he loves to watch “STEINfeld” or
goes though the McDonald’s drive-thru for some “Chicken McNougets” and you simply laugh it off
and don’t bother correcting him. … OK, but no one wants to have phone sex with him. Bill, when it
comes to phone sex, you are that guy. You just need to stop.
Okay Bill, that’s it for tonight. Get some sleep. You got a big day tomorrow full of lies and hate
spreadin’. *kiss on the splotchy forehead*
Joseph Minton: ROTFLMAO
The truly bizarre thing about the O’Reilly sex scandal is that Bill seems to see himself as this total
sex god. That he bragged about his sexual exploits to one of his associate producers is wacked,
but that he also boasted to her friend after he’d just met her at dinner is plain loony … not to
mention that his rants are so friggin’ sexist. He claims he knows how to “train” women. Thank God,
finally someone to get those bitches ready for lovin’. Bill really is looking out for us.
Now whether or not you believe Miss Mackris was a willing participant in all this is totally irrelevant.
For me, the sexual harassment accusations are the least of it. Mind you, that will be what O’Reilly
focuses on because it’s the easiest to spin. If he can paint her as a participant, it will diffuse the
real scandal.
You see, Bill has spent the last several years telling the world how much of a “traditionalist” he is.
He strongly rejects all things secular and blames them for the moral decline of our society. He
sees values that are thrust upon us by the far left and liberal Hollywood as facilitating a culture war
in the country … a war that O’Reilly fights gallantly. In fact, this is the primary reason he tirelessly
opposes gay marriage. You see, “marriage is founded on Judeo-Christian principles.” Even Bill
O’Reilly’s marriage is founded on those principles. (The following should be read in a Robert
Evans voice.) Do those same Judeo-Christian principles include cheating on your pregnant wife?
Absolutely. Do they allow you to have explicit phone sex with your underlings? Of course. Do they
allow for Thailand sex shows? You bet your sweet ass they do.
You see, Bill is just one of “the folks.” He’s middle America. He’s mom and pop USA. He goes
after the bad guys for us. He’s the American Dream.*
*Note: The American Dream is growing up to be a rich and famous celebrity who gets to travel all
over the world and fuck whoever he wants while his wife sits home pregnant. (As in Jon Bon Jovi
and Bill O’Reilly. I apologize to Jon Bon Jovi for the comparison, but I couldn’t remember anyone’s
name from White Snake.)
But this is not the issue. We will have time to discuss all that later. There are more pressing
matters to address. To wit:
Bill O’Reilly totally SUCKS at phone sex! Moreover, he thinks he’s awesome at it. He thinks he’s
the frickin’ MacGyver of phone sex, making women who’ve never orgasmed gush with just a phone
call. But the truth as evidenced in the transcripts is that Bill’s technique is really horrible. The man
has absolutely no game. So I thought, since I absolutely know he reads this site (hi, Bill), that’d I’d
give him some pointers for future producer-harassing endeavors.
1. Don’t use unnecessarily complicated words. OK, Bill, at times during phone sex you use
complicated, almost technical terms like “intravenously” and “modus operandi.” Dude! The ladies
like French and Italian. But Latin? Not so much. Use action words. Paint a picture in her mind. Talk
about how you’re strong enough to pick her up and just bounce her up and down on your cock
while standing. Use construction words (i.e. nail, pound, hammer, drive, etc.). You gotta keep it hot.
Don’t tell her that you want to feed wine into her veins intravenously. That’s just fucking creepy,
man. It sounds like something a guy would do to a girl he trapped in his basement.
2. Avoid immature descriptions. This is key, Bill. You sound like a 13-year-old when you use
phrases like “rubbing your big boobs.” OK, first and foremost, don’t use the word “boobs.”
However, if you do, don’t say “big boobs.” You sound like Beavis and/or Butthead. If you
continue, she’s not going to breathlessly anticipate your next salvo, she’s just going to expect an
awkward “heh-heh, heh, booooooobs.” Say breasts if you have to, but the internationally accepted
phone-sex term is “tits.” Got it? It’s not up for debate.
3. Avoid misspoken or mispronounced words. Now a lot has been made about your falafel
comment and it was obviously a blunder, but come on. It’s a big blunder. No one is cummin’ after
that one … no one! Now Bill, everyone has that uncle who says he loves to watch “STEINfeld” or
goes though the McDonald’s drive-thru for some “Chicken McNougets” and you simply laugh it off
and don’t bother correcting him. … OK, but no one wants to have phone sex with him. Bill, when it
comes to phone sex, you are that guy. You just need to stop.
Okay Bill, that’s it for tonight. Get some sleep. You got a big day tomorrow full of lies and hate
spreadin’. *kiss on the splotchy forehead*
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OreillySexScandal.com
a division of Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly, Intl.
a division of Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly, Intl.
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